Rasakan jurus cermin! Ciaaaaaat :v
Telepon dan tanya kabar cuma seminggu sekali. Pulang ke rumah paling rajin setahun sekali, itupun maksimal 5 hari. Tidak ada teman curhat kalau sedang tertekan. Pantaslah kalau dia tidak rela melihat anak perempuannya mengelana jauh. Mungkin akan hanya pulang 3 atau 5 tahun sekali. Maafkan aku yang terlalu cuek :-(
I love you, pa….
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February 23, 2014
Hello!!! It’s been a while I didn’t make any updates on my Tumblr since I started my new job, still adjusting to it and I get tired already after reaching home…The beginning of 2014 is not bad at all. I had a very nice birthday celebration. My boss, manager, and co-workers are kind and cooperative, plus I enjoy my freedom as always. Well, sometimes that lonely feeling comes all in a sudden…but eh, it’s normal yes? Everybody has been through their lonely moments and I’ve been through it many times and I’m still feeling awesome up to now. Hardly think of having a relationship, I think an open relationship is a better choice. I must admit, a relationship always freaks me out since I had bad experiences in my past. Dealing with Indonesian men (the ones I’ve met and dated) is difficult, they demand girls too many things so I end up liking western men. It doesn’t mean they have better looking, brain, money, and sense of humor than Indonesians. Talking about everything with them makes me feel comfortable, no need to be afraid.
Then I met an Indonesian guy who’s an atheist and he’s really attractive, really. I’m wondering if I could meet another kind of this guy here. There’s other guy too, we’ve been close for approximately 2 years, yet everything is always left unsaid between us. I like him, we have things in common and I enjoy spending time with him. BUT, there’s one thing for sure that I always have on my mind : RELIGION. It always be and will always be a barrier to me as I’m a non believer and he’s a muslim, I don’t think it would work, never. I could always accept him no matter what his religion is, but would I get the same treatment too? I was muslim too and I never understand why the followers of Islam are always very proud of it, saying Islam is the best religion. If someone converts to Islam, he has done the right thing. While in the other words, they say it’s such a sin when he does the opposite. This was always be my question when I was a kid, I had so many questions about my religion, but it was always held inside…and I never praise Islam, I was always questioning myself why I was a muslim. Why didn’t my mom be the one who became a Buddhist instead of my dad? Perhaps I would become a better Buddhist? I’ve never seen him praying during the time of my life. I asked my mom several times to teach me how to pray, yet she never wanted to and always answered that she couldn’t teach me without giving any reasons. Ahhh, there I go, hardly prayed and how frightening it was when it came to the practice of praying as a final exam hahaaa.
Exploring religions started when I was in high school. I read articles about Mormon, Scientology and Wicca and started learning about Catholic and Christian furthermore. These last two religion hardly attract me either. I realize I followed my friends and big family instead of having a desire to learn from the bottom of my heart. I created my own imaginary God further, he was a universal God and I had no idea what he looked like.
College time was the best part of my life. I got rid off my imaginary God and I feel awesome until today. I went to church because of people’s demand. I attended catechetical class for the sake of university scholarship I was pursuing. How funny it was when a friend blamed on me because I used religion as a tool to get the scholarship. Yes, how funny a university, universities, organizations, or even a government ask(s) students to prove their religiosity by asking them to complete such a stupid requirement. Then don’t blame on me because I fucking didn’t want to do that either. I wasted my 9 months. I prefer learning something else, something useful for people around me rather than pursuing….oh what you call it? Heaven? Yeh. Go and collect goodness for the sake of heaven and God even though you must do harmful things to other people and animals.
It was such an enlightenment when I came across an Indonesian agnostic and atheist group on Facebook almost 4 years ago. I got some new friends who were having same experiences and it was awesome we could share. I finally met some of them in person last year. Back to the group, I was exploring very interesting articles and discussions which lasted for about 3 months until my brother came into my room and investigated me for hours as if I just did such criminals. I never like him preaching on me, it always leads to headache. By the way, it was such a big turn in my life. I became always afraid of what I was posting on Facebook, what I was commenting, what I was typing on the browser since my brother could always check it everytime he wanted to.
Having left those groups, deleting some new friends was the next step I did (I still keep the others for some reasons), so my brother wouldn’t take away my laptop. Yet, he could never change my mind to believe in God. I’m not mad of God by the way. Why would I be mad to something that doesn’t exist? I don’t pray and believe in Him, AND I still have the sense of humanity to help people instead of doing nothing but praying and judging other people. I have been burying this for almost 4 years, burying my right to be what I want.
However, being brave to show who I am to people is the only choice or I’d keep burying it for good. Doing it slowly but sure…I hope they would accept me. In the end, I thank my parents for never forcing any religions into me and my brother. Last but not least, I thank the guy whom I met on my 23 birthday. You’ve waken me up from my sleep, dude!